When Hope Hurts

My daughter’s cancer was shrinking. For a brief moment, hope soared like a kite in a strong gust of wind. God was answering prayer. Then, strangely, without warning, I immediately burst into tears. Burying my face in my husband Greg’s shoulder I sobbed, “Why does my hope hurt? I’m afraid; dare I believe my girl will live?”

My daughter’s cancer was shrinking. For a brief moment, hope soared like a kite in a strong gust of wind. God was answering prayer. Then, strangely, without warning, I immediately burst into tears. Burying my face in my husband Greg’s shoulder I sobbed, “Why does my hope hurt? I’m afraid; dare I believe my girl will live?” 

Up until then, April had been told a break from endless chemo would only stop when the ammo didn’t work anymore. But now, for the first time since her deadly invader was discovered six months earlier, a CT scan showed a “much improved” liver. The encouraged doctors were now considering a chemo break, a reprieve from the relentless pounding of poison into her weary body.  

“Why does hope hurt?” Early on, as children we learn happening doesn’t automatically follow hoping. We’ve all hoped in something, only to be disappointed. We hoped it wouldn’t rain, but it did, and our picnic was cancelled. We hoped to be chosen, but someone else was picked. We hoped and prayed Grandma wouldn’t die, but she did. 

We’ve all learned this sad life lesson: lift off doesn’t guarantee a happy landing. A beautiful wedding may end in a nasty divorce. A simple surgery can get complicated. Sometimes celebrated launches--Hindenburg, Titanic,  Challenger--begin in triumph but end in tragedy.

But Biblical hope is different. It is not wishful desire, not a cross-your-fingers fancy, a hold-your-breath longing. Instead, the Bible’s kind of hope is the confident expectation and desire for something good in the future to come to pass. Heaven’s hope is not tied to today’s sunshine, for tomorrow's weather may bring a typhoon. Solid, secure hope is anchored in nothing less than a firm faith in God Himself.

I dare not put my hope for April’s return to health in anyone or anything else but God: Not in well-trained oncologists, sophisticated CT scans, or high-powered chemo drugs. Not even in the many prayers of April’s Support Team, as powerful and appreciated they are. Not in April’s worthiness, her strong faith from age three, her generosity and good works. Not in her healthy habits and sturdy constitution.  

No matter what lies ahead, perfect peace is possible only by resting completely in the goodness of God.  The more intimately we know God, His love, wisdom, and power, the greater our ability will be to keep calm in life’s battering storms, no matter how threatening. 

But I already believe this! I know God is the Master of the seas. So, why do I panic when choppy circumstances rock my boat? What can I do to keep calm when black clouds roll into my harbor? I believe God, but how can I defeat the fear that God won’t be enough? Will I drown? 

I turned to God’s Word for the answer. What did King David do when scary situations menaced to sink him? How did he hang onto peace? First, he affirmed his soul’s secure anchor in God: “Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation.” (Psalm 62:1) But then, four verses later, after listing difficulties, he tells his soul to hang onto what he declared already was his: “My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him.” (Psalm 62:5) 

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​Trusting God for future grace provides a secure rope of hope, but it is a combination of two strands. The first strand is believing in the trustworthiness of God. But the second strand is also necessary. Confessing our confidence must be braided to our belief when we’re shaken by doubt and fear. Over the top of the storm, we need to batten down our faith and reassure our heartsick souls: “Settle down, soul; you can trust God. He’s got this.”

If we tie our hope to the ups and downs of frail happenstance our hearts will plunge and rocket like a yoyo on a fraying string. But the rope of hope in God alone reaches through the veil and is anchored in the Holy of Holies of Heaven. (Heb. 6:19) 

What can we do when life’s “howling storms of doubt and fear assail”? Tie a knot and hang on to our “sure and steadfast” rope. A cheerful confidence in God’s control of the future will not unravel. Let “the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

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